I only caught a glimpse of her out of the kitchen window. Panic, dread, and fear came crashing into my body like flood waters filled with chunks of the past, broken tattered debris scattered in its churning dirty water. Mother.
I am an adult and have had the same reaction since when I was 7. I want desperately to move on. I want to be released from the damaging emotional shackles for good. I want to be my own person without guilt or fear. I’m not even sure I know who my own person is, I have hidden and tried to be someone else for so long. I want to sleep in a peaceful slumber and feel refreshed and renewed. No jumping, grinding jaws or upset stomach keeping me from relaxation. No more neck and back tension and knots, no more escaping, no more denying, no more running..just NO MORE.
I want growth, love and acceptance from myself and those who are close to me. I want to be able to let go and move on from a place of negativity even if it means I am alone. I want to be confident and at peace in my actions, thoughts and decisions. I want to love myself.
I did a very difficult thing and have removed the people from my life that, no matter their title, did not belong because they were damaging to my soul. It took a long time to realize the true meaning of “family.” One definition states: a primary social group consisting of parents and their offspring, the principal function of which is provision for its members. When that didn’t happen consistently and I was only accepted if I met certain criteria, and after many years of guilt and turmoil, I have finally freed myself. I have a long way to go to continue this journey of self-discovery and happiness and this website is a part of that. I am fortunate to have a new outlook on family and feel confident somewhere in the world are like-minded people who will welcome me with open arms, are positive, supportive and so very kind. We will share no common ancestry and it doesn’t matter. They will be full of compassion, humor, wisdom, and talent and have an abundance of love. I will be honored to be a part of this wonderful group of people.
“Family isn’t always blood. It’s the people in your life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what.”